Imagine that it is time for you to leave work and go home. Because you do this so often, you might not even be aware of what thoughts and feelings you have as you get in the car and drive home. This is an invitation to do something more intentional on the way home. Ask yourself: So what am I going home to?
If you are going home to your partner, you probably have a picture of what awaits you.
You have a picture of the routine that happens each night when you arrive at home. Of course, there is nothing wrong with a rhythm and a routine to your daily life together, but when the rhythm and routine becomes a rut, you may be slipping into a roommate marriage.
In other blog articles I have written about living on autopilot, which means going through the motions of life without little awareness and intentionality. You do this or that, because, well, it has become the way you always do this or that. Living on autopilot can contribute to an experience of depression. Living on autopilot can create stress in your life. Living on autopilot can also result in your relationship become a roommate marriage.
It is not the routine of living on autopilot that creates a roommate marriage. It is the way that routine becomes a rut; it is the way that routine keeps you from finding ways to connect emotionally with one another. You begin to feel that you are drifting apart, or at least, you have this negotiated emotional distance that the routine keeps in place.
John and Julie Gottman talk about The Sound Relationship House. This house is made up of different floors or levels. As you give your attention to each of them, you strengthen the connection and vitality in your marriage. The first level of the Sound Relationship House, the foundation if you will, is called Building Love Maps. This is the practice of getting to know the inner world of your partner.
You probably remember the sharing that happened early in your relationship.
You talked about yourself, and you created a space for your partner to talk about his/her life. This sharing created an emotional bond between you as you were building your relationship. But the truth is neither of you stopped growing in the many different areas of life: physical, emotional, spiritual, family of origin. So, one way to avoid falling into a roommate marriage is to keep learning about your partner.
Often in marriage counseling, our work together brings up the discovery that when each person looks at their partner, often they are looking at someone whom, for the most part, they know most of what there is to know about the other. Or at least that is what they think. But if this person is someone who has continued to grow and change over the years, there is, most likely, a lot to discover about this person. I often invite couples to adopt that stance with each other; to look across the room and see this person as someone who, even with all you know, is still full of mystery and wonder.
There are some practical things you can do if you sense the presence of a roommate marriage in your relationship.
Sometimes, it is as simple as planning and doing something different. If you eat dinner in the same place, eat it somewhere different in the house. If you have a routine, change the order in which you do it. If your partner is the person who always initiates a part of the evening, you be intentional about doing it. For example, if your partner is the one who always asks about what you are going to do for dinner, you be the one to ask. Maybe even ask at a different time, like in the morning instead of when you get home.
But it’s not just about the activities you do; it is doing these activities with the goal of building closeness. The Gottman’s have an exercise called the Love Maps Exercise. You can actually download the Gottman Card Decks app; it has section called Love Maps. It gives you the chance to answer questions about your partner. Examples include: Who are your partner’s two closest friends? What personal improvements does your partner want to make? Who is your partner’s favorite author? If you get the correct answer, you can enjoy that. If you get the wrong answer or don’t know the answer, it is a chance to have a conversation with your partner about that particular area of life.
In future blogs, we will explore some other ways to prevent a roommate marriage. You can go to my marriage counseling specialty page to learn more about how marriage counseling can help revitalize your relationship.