There are two components that play a role in your anxiety: thoughts and feelings. In a previous post I considered the way our thinking can contribute to anxiety. In this post I want to consider our feelings.
First of all, what are we really talking about when we consider feelings or emotions. Let’s take anxiety for example. When you say you are feeling anxious, what is happening? Emotions happen mostly in our bodies. When you are experiencing anxiety, some or all of the following are happening: raised blood pressure, increased heart rate, faster breathing, churning in your stomach, shaky hands, sweaty palms, fidgeting, talking rapidly, a desire to run away.
Emotions happen like this.
First, there is a significant event. This event may happen in the world around you or it may happen inside of you. You brain notices this event and begins alerting you: pay attention; this may be important. Next, your brain begins to evaluate the event. Is this good or bad? Is it helpful or harmful? The brain also begins to prepare your body to respond. If it determines the event is helpful, it will prepare your body to move toward it, to become curious so it can learn from it. If the brain determines the event is a threat, it will trigger what has often been called a “fight or flight” response. You may not even be aware or have a name for what is happening, but it is a strong emotional reaction.
Now, this is where you begin to experience the connection between your thinking and your feelings. While all of this is happening in your body, the mind starts to assign meaning to these changes. At this point, you can name what you are experiencing as joy or anxiety. But the mind doesn’t stop there. Your feelings are tied to memories from the past; you might remember another time like this one when you experienced anxiety. Your feelings are tied to thoughts about the future; your mind creates all kind of possible scenarios where you can experience this anxiety again.
Do your emotions control your behavior? Well, no. In a society that places so much emphasis on feelings and emotions, you might be tempted to disagree, but you really can feel anger and act calmly. All of us have faced situations where we were afraid and wanted to run, but we stayed and faced what was before us. But when we believe the idea that emotions control our behavior, the presence of strong feelings will create a struggle. We will try to avoid them, control them, or figure them out.
Accepting Your Emotions
The alternative to these efforts to deal with our emotions is to accept them. Acceptance is not resignation, saying there is nothing I can do so I might as well just give in to the feelings. Acceptance is learning how to open up and make space in our lives so that the emotions can be there without controlling you.
An Exercise
In his book, ACT With Love, Dr. Russ Harris offers a wonderful way to practice this awareness and acceptance. The way to deal with your feelings is to NAME them. NAME is an acronym for:
Step 1: Notice
The first thing you do is simply notice the feeling. This is not always easy because we have become experts at avoiding or fighting the feeling. But remember, emotions are a whole-body experience, so this is the way to notice. After a few deep breaths, just be aware of the place in your body where the feeling is most intense: your neck, your back, your stomach. Notice as much as you can about the feeling.
Step 2: Acknowledge
Acknowledging your feeling can be done with some simple self-talk. You can say, “Here is the feeling of anxiety.” This is different than saying, “I am anxious,” which suggests you are the emotion, making it much larger than it really is. This step doesn’t sound like much, but what you are doing is being open to the reality of what is happening to you right now.
Step 3: Make Space
When anxiety shows up, you want to squeeze it, squash it, or make it go away. But confining the energy of a strong emotion in a small place inside you sets up the potential for a strong reaction. If you can give the anxiety plenty of space, most of the time it will subside on its own. Imagine that you are breathing in and around the place in your body where the anxiety resides. Use some words like: Making space. Let it be.
Step 4: Expand Awareness
This final step invites you to realize that you are far more than your anxiety. Once you are aware of and have made space for your anxiety, even with it there, you can reach out and connect with the world around you. You can consider what you would like to do at that moment that is more in line with what you value and find meaningful.
You can “practice” this exercise throughout the day, checking in with and becoming aware of the subtle feelings that are happening within you all the time. Then, you will be ready when the powerful feelings of anxiety show up. When they do, you will be ready to NAME them.
Click here to learn more about anxiety counseling.