Anger is a power emotion. When it shows up, it feels intense. You can feel it in your body, along with the racing thoughts. Because of this power and intensity, it feels like the only things you can do are try to control it or let it out. Of course, efforts to control the anger only work for so long, and letting it out…well, you may feel some relief but not the people to whom you’ve expressed your anger.
Even with its power and intensity, there are some characteristics of anger that can help you develop a different relationship with it. Here are three of them.
No one can “make” you angry.
We talk about anger that way all the time. “When you do that, you make me so angry.” These words describe a sequence that we think is the source of anger. Someone says something or does something; I get angry. Those two events happen so close together, it is easy to assume that the source of my anger is what the other person said or did.
But there is what I call a “middle step” that reveals the real origin of your anger. Some says or does something. Here comes the middle step: I give some meaning or interpretation to those words or actions. And those meanings and interpretations are the source of my anger.
To develop a different relationship with your anger, give your attention to these meanings and interpretations. Identify them and wonder about them. Do they reflect what is really happening between you and the other person? Some of your meanings and interpretations may be true, but they don’t capture the complexity and subtlety of your relationship with the person or the situation. Is there another way to think about their words or actions? Could you share your interpretations with them and see if they are accurate?
There is no such thing as a short temper.
This is something I hear from clients a lot. “I’d like to control my anger, but it just happens so fast…I have a short fuse.” If you think you have a short temper, what might be happening is you don’t realize that the anger is boiling over. If step one is the first sign you are getting angry and step ten is full-blown anger, you may not even feel the anger until you are at step eight or nine. Then, it can feel like it happens quickly.
I introduced this idea to a client years ago. He was trained as an engineer, so he decided start at ten and work his way back until he found the very first sign he was getting angry. He came back the next week and said he had found it. I asked him what it was, and he made this coughing sound, the kind of sound you make when you are frustrated. He said that he had never heard himself make that noise, but once he identified it, he heard it a lot during the day.
And it was much easier for him to make a self-intervention then, instead of when he was closer to full-blown anger. So, identify some of the early signs you are getting angry. It may be a sound. It may be a physical sensation, like tightness of muscles or warmth somewhere in your body. It may be a change in your voice. It may be certain thoughts racing through your mind. Once you know them, you can be mindful and even accepting of them when they show up.
Anger is often a secondary emotion.
A secondary emotion is a response to a more primary emotion. Remember the way I described it earlier: Someone says or does something; you get angry. Often, that “middle step” involves realizing that your anger is a response to hurt or fear. These are two of the most common primary emotions that get expressed as anger. It is much easier to get angry than it is to deal with your hurt or your fear.
I explore these characteristics of anger in a variety of ways with people who come to me for counseling. They often talk about managing or controlling their anger, but these insights are more about understanding your anger and developing a different relationship with it. You can read my anxiety treatment specialty page for more information.