While conflict is a normal part of close relationships, when you feel tension between you and your partner, it is hard not to think that something is wrong. We’ve spent the last few blog posts exploring conflict in relationship. We identified two types of conflict that couples have: solvable and perpetual. We looked at some of the skills that help you resolve solvable problems.
Unfortunately, according to Dr. John M. Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, these solvable problems make up only 31 percent of the conflicts in marriage; 69 percent are what he calls perpetual problems.
What’s the difference between a solvable and a perpetual conflict?
Solvable problems are about the situation or topic at hand. Both of you have opinions and feelings about the situation. You find ways to share those opinions and feelings in a respectful way, and you come up with a compromise.
Perpetual problems center on fundamental differences between you and your partner. They may be differences in personality, temperament, values, or world views. All of these differences are important to you, and they are not going to change. When you have a conflict based on these differences, no matter what they topic, you will need to find a different way to handle it.
Both solvable and perpetual conflicts can be intense and painful.
So how can you tell if you are dealing with a perpetual problem?
If you deal with a perpetual problem like it is a solvable one, most likely, you will end up in gridlock. Gottman identifies some of the characteristics of gridlock (132-133):
· You keep talking and talking but you don’t make any headway.
· When you discuss the subject, you feel rejected by your partner, and you feel more frustrated and hurt.
· You become more entrenched in your positions, and over time you begin to vilify your partner.
· Eventually, you start to disconnect emotionally from each other.
How Do You Overcome Gridlock?
The way out of gridlock is not to come up with a clever way to solve the problem. Remember, it is perpetual. With perpetual conflicts, your goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue. The most important thing for you to do is to understand the cause of the gridlock. Remember, for each of you, something important and meaningful is at stake, and the gridlock comes because you don’t feel it is being heard and respected.
Gottman calls these dreams. These dreams are “the hopes, aspirations and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (218). These dreams are deep-seated; they are part of who you are. Often, these dreams are unspoken or hidden; they surface when you feel like they aren’t being respected.
The dreams within each of you are beautiful. Even if you aren’t fully aware of them, they may be why you feel so connected to this person. Couples who move beyond the gridlock of a perpetual problem understand that helping each other realize their dreams is one of the most rewarding parts of a marriage.
So the first step out of gridlock is to become a dream detector. When you realize that you are caught up in a perpetual conflict, invite each other to look for the dream that seems to be driving your entrenched stance in the problem. These conversations open you up to the dreams of your partner, and yourself, that you never knew or had forgotten. Find ways to hear and validate the dreams of your partner.
Several years ago, I had to send a couple to neutral corners in my office because the conflict was so intense. The topic of discussion? Orange juice. He picked one brand of orange juice and she picked another brand; they both put them in the basket. There was an argument at the grocery store. They were having the same argument in my office.
People don’t almost come to blows over orange juice. Something was going on beneath the surface that was the fuel for the argument. After taking some time to settle down, the husband was able to share how he didn’t think his opinions mattered at all to his wife; he wanted to be heard and respected. This was the dream beneath the conflict. We were able to have a meaningful conversation about this dream…and we didn’t mention orange juice the rest of the session.
In my work with couples, I teach them the skills they need to discern perpetual problems. I give them tools to move out of gridlock. If you would like to know more, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.