In a previous blog post, I explored how conflicts are a normal part of a close relationship. If your immediate reaction to a conflict is “Uh-oh, something is wrong with us,” all your energy is caught up in worrying about the relationship. But if you can see conflict as something that is normal, even expected, you can channel your energy to addressing the conflict in a meaningful way.
One thing that can help you address problems when they come up is to realize that there are two types of conflicts in a marriage.
Consider these two examples.
You and your partner have divided up the household duties. One of the tasks that your spouse has agreed to do is take out the trash. Over the last few weeks, the trash cans fill up, and at times, overflow. Perhaps they just forgot, so you go ahead and empty the trash. But then it happens again and again. Now you are getting annoyed and even resentful. After all, you both have full time jobs, and you are doing the tasks you have agreed to do. You bring it up, and an argument ensues.
You receive an unexpected inheritance of $10,000 from a relative. You think of several ways that you could spend the money. Some of them are household projects like renovating a room in the house. Others are more fun and frivolous things like taking a vacation you could never afford. Your partner has some ideas about spending part of the money but would like to set most of it aside in savings. One of you brings up the topic, and an argument ensues.
In their work with couples, John and Julie Gottman describe how all marital conflicts, no matter how simple or how complex, fall into two categories: solvable or unsolvable. Understanding the difference between these two categories of conflict gives you guidance in how to handle each of them.
Solvable conflicts are situational.
You have specific situation or topic. You are able to identify the differences between you. Once you understand the differences, you figure out a compromise that you can make to resolve the conflict.
The first example above is a good example of a solvable conflict. The specific issue is clear. Your spouse is not doing the household task that they agreed to do. This bothers you because you don’t like the trash piling up, and you are resentful because you end up doing your partner’s task. You communicate to your partner your frustration, and you ask why the task is not getting done. Perhaps your partner shares that they have had some real challenges at work, and they come home distracted and forget to empty the trash. You talk about what you can do differently. Maybe you trade tasks until the challenges at work go away. Maybe you come up with a plan to help your spouse remember. You implement your plan and move on.
The second example above is a good example of an unsolvable conflict.
Every time the subject of the money comes up, it feels like you are spinning your wheels and getting nowhere close to resolution. That’s because the problem centers on a fundamental difference between you and your spouse. This fundamental difference can come from differences in personality, values, or life experience. Each of you has a very different understanding of money and its place in your life. Those differences are not going to change, so you keep going over and over the same problem without any solution.
Any conflict between you and your spouse can be solvable or unsolvable. Take the two examples above. If fulfilling household tasks is something that has always happened and continues to happen, this could be an unsolvable conflict. Both of you could share your different ideas about how to spend the inheritance, and after some discussion, come to some decisions. This is a solvable conflict.
One of the first things to do when a conflict arises is to determine if this is a solvable or unsolvable problem.
Why? Because the process you use to address a solvable conflict is very different than the one you use to address an unsolvable conflict. Helping couples understand these different types of conflicts and teaching them ways to address them is an important part of what I do in marriage counseling.
In future posts, I will talk about the different processes you can use for these different types of conflicts. If you want to learn more about how counseling can help your relationship, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.