In our society and culture, we try to avoid negative emotions like anger, fear, stress, anxiety, or sadness.
We do this in our personal lives. One of these emotions shows up, and there is an “uh-oh” thought and feeling inside of us. Our minds frame this negative emotion as a problem, which results in feeling a lot of internal conflict. No one wants a problem. No one wants internal conflict. So, you do all you can to avoid or eliminate these negative feelings.
You can do the same thing in your relationship. One of these negative emotions shows up, and the tension grows between you and your partner. You have that same “uh-oh” thought and feeling. You do not want this problem and this conflict between you. So, you and your partner do all you can to avoid or eliminate these negative feelings.
Feelings like anger, fear, stress, anxiety or sadness are not problems for you personally; they are simply part of what it means to be human. These feelings are not problems for you and your partner; they are simply part of what it means to be in a committed relationship.
One of the lingering myths about marriage in our society and culture is that conflict is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. In our minds, most of us can acknowledge this truth. But when you feel anger or tension in you or in your partner, it is almost a reflex to think that something is wrong in your relationship. And when these conflicts keep showing up, well, the worry grows. Instead of doing something with the conflict, you are caught up in your worry.
Conflicts in close relationship are inevitable.
One of the reasons for this is quite simple. You are dealing with two minds instead of one. Think about all the differences between you and your partner. You grew up differently. There were different dynamics in your families of origin. You have different temperaments and personalities. You have differences in the way you look at the world.
Now, with all of these differences, you are also spending a lot of time together. In fact, you are doing more than just hanging out; you are building a life together. Finally, there is a deep level of commitment between you. You care deeply for your partner; they matter to you.
Even if you related to each other perfectly, these differences would make conflict inevitable. But the truth is we don’t relate to each other perfectly. John and Julie Gottman, in their couple’s workbook for their “The Art and Science of Love” workshops, invite you to estimate “the proportion of time you are together with your partner that you are emotionally available, ready to listen with an open heart without getting defensive. I think you will agree that 50% of the time is a generous estimate in a good relationship…Now ask, what in general would be the probably that BOTH people in a relationship are both emotionally available, ready to list with open hearts without getting defensive?” (31) The Gottman’s estimate that the percentage is fairly low, anywhere from 10-25 percent.
So when you combine the differences between you and your partner with this inherent lack of attunement with each other, it makes sense that conflict is a normal part of your relationship. Again, this is not a criticism of you and your partner. You can get rid of the differences; they are part of who you are. The challenges of daily life make it difficult for each of you to be attuned to each other all the time.
Since conflict is a normal part of your relationship, you have to reframe its meaning and its place in your marriage.
The Gottmans put it this way: “Conflict is an opportunity to learn to love our partner better over time. We need conflict to grow in a relationship. These moments of being out of sync are the opportunities for connection in any relationship. Our motto is: The goal in conflict is understanding our partner” (31-a).
In future posts, I will explore more ways to explore the place of conflict in committed relationships. Much of the work I do with couples in marriage counseling is to teach them practices that allow them to use conflict as a way to understand and grow closer to each other. If you would like to know more, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.