Conflict is a normal part of any relationship; what matters is how you and your partner handle these arguments when they happen. One place to begin is realizing if you are dealing with a solvable or unsolvable conflict.
In this blog, I will offer some suggestions for how to handle a solvable conflict.
Solvable conflicts are situational. You have specific situation or topic. You are able to identify the differences between you. Once you understand the differences, you figure out a compromise that you can make to resolve the conflict.
In his book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, John M. Gottman describes five skills for you to use when working through a solvable conflict.
1. Soften Your Startup
A startup is simply how you begin a discussion about the situation or topic that is the source of your conflict. Gottman says that having a soft startup is “crucial to resolving conflicts because, my research finds, discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. That’s why 96 percent of the time I can predict the fate of a conflict discussion in the first three minutes!” (161).
There are several ways to make a soft start up.
Make sure you are complaining not blaming. When you complain, you describe the issue or the situation as clearly as you can and say why upsets you. When you are blaming, you go past the issue and say something about the character of the person.
Make statements that begin with “I” instead of “you.” This is a good way to make sure you are sharing a complaint and not a criticism of your partner.
Be clear and be polite. There is a difference between “The kitchen is a total mess” and “I would appreciate it if you would clean the dishes when you are through.”
2. Learn To Make Repair Attempts
Even with a softened startup it is easy for one of you to become defensive and the conversation breaks down. When that happens, you stop the break down by making repair attempts. When the conflict becomes an argument, most likely there is a voice inside of you that is saying, “This is not going the way I want it to go.” Repair attempts are giving expression to that voice. It could be as simple as “Can we take a break” or “I need to be calmer right now.”
When you are first learning repair attempts, it is helpful to formalize them. You can come up with specific phrases that are a signal to both of you that someone is making a repair attempt.
3. Soothe Yourself and Each Other
One of the reasons a repair attempt may not work is one of you is emotionally flooded, and you can’t take in what the other person is saying. Emotional flooding is a physiological state where the thinking part of your brain is flooded with hormones like adrenaline. The only way to overcome this flooding is to soothe yourself. One of the simplest ways to do this is to deepen your breath. Then, go through some muscle relaxation that allows you to be aware of and release the tension in your body. It might be meaningful for you to do this with your partner.
4. Compromise
After you have accomplished these first three skills in a consistent way, you can focus on finding a solution. The cornerstone of any compromise is what Gottman calls accepting influence. This means that you are honestly open to what your partner has to say. You don’t have to agree with everything, but you can look for and consider how your partner might be right…and then communicate that to them. From this stance of accepting each other’s influence, you can find a compromise and a solution.
5. Be Tolerant of Each Other’s Faults
Once you have been able to use these skills consistently with solvable conflicts, you will see that resolution comes more easily. This is because you have given up trying to change your spouse or win them over to your perspective. Partners can be very different and still find solutions to conflict.
Remember, these skills are helpful when you are dealing with a solvable conflict. If you have a conflict that feels unsolvable, you will need to respond with a different set of skills. We will explore those skills in another post. If you want more information about how I can work with you and your partner, I invite you to visit my marriage counseling specialty page.