Several years ago, I was working with a family. During our initial session, they easily became defensive and started reacting to each other in ways that were not helpful. I would stop these interactions and help them calm down, but within a few minutes, they were at it again. After the third time, I said I was going to ask all of them a question, and I wanted them to think for a few moments before answering. The question I asked was, “Are any of you enjoying this?”
Of course, they looked at me in disbelief, and eventually every one of them said, “No, not at all.” I said, “Well, that’s interesting. I have stopped you three times, and within a few minutes, you are right back at it.” We went on to talk about how, when we are feeling defensive and start reacting, we are not acting in ways that fit with our picture of how we want to be.
The same thing is true with anger.
I’ve never had anyone say, “Yes,” when I asked if they enjoyed their outburst of anger or holding in their anger. When we let the anger take control, you are not acting in ways that fit with your picture of how you want your life to be.
One of the things I do in my work with people who struggle with anger is invite them to develop more fully this picture of how they want their life to be. I invite them to consider their values and some concrete ways to express them. Everyone has their own unique set of values for different areas of life, but one I invite people who struggle with anger to consider is being kind to themselves and others.
In their book, ACT on Life Not on Anger: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Guide to Problem Anger, George H. Eifert, Matthew McKay, and John P. Forsyth state: “Anger and kindness are two opposing forces. When one shows up, the other gets pushed aside. Practicing acts of kindness toward yourself and others is a behavioral antidote to anger. It’s a simple thing you can do to bring peace and joy to your life” (167, Kindle Version).
The authors go on to describe how you can express Tender Loving Care (TLC) to yourself and others. This is especially important to do when “TLC issues arise—when you feel Tired or stressed, Lonely and Craving (for example, for food, stimulation, nurturing, or praise). Our experience shows that at least 50 percent of all anger episodes are in some way associated with TLC problems. When people are irritable and needy, anger is easily provoked” (167).
How Do You Express TLC to Yourself?
One of the best ways to do this is with a regular meditation or mindfulness practice. This allows you to be accepting and compassionate towards your own thoughts and feelings, no matter how simple or significant they may be. When you can be mindful and accepting of your thoughts and feeling with a practice like this, it is easier to offer that same mindful acceptance to angry thoughts and feelings when they arise.
You can also do simple practices like reading a good book, going for a walk, being involved in activities that give you pleasure like listening to music, gardening, or preparing a meal. The key is to be intentional about these daily practices. Set aside time and make a commitment to do at least one of them each day. You can begin the day by naming your intention to practice self-kindness and deciding the exact practice you will do that day.
How Do You Express TLC to Others?
The acts of TLC you express to others do not have to be large or grand gestures. When you are checking out at the store, you can ask the person waiting on you how they are doing and say “Thank you” as you leave. It can be as simple as letting a driver merge into traffic instead of making it difficult for them to do so.
Several years ago, one of my professors encouraged us to practice a simple act of kindness. For a week, as we walked down the street or in the hall, when we saw someone coming toward us, we would simply nod and smile. When we reported back the next week, there were lots of comments about the positive feelings it created inside us; several people talked about how meaningful it was when others would return the smile and the nod. The simple gesture of acknowledging the presence of another human being made a big difference.
If you have not done these acts of kindness toward others before in an intentional way, it may feel a bit contrived at first. But that’s okay. You don’t have to let that feeling get in the way of your commitment to express TLC. You don’t have to feel peaceful and loving to perform these actions. You do them because they are an expression of who you want to be. And no, it doesn’t mean that you will never get angry again, but these TLC practices give a richer context to the thoughts and feelings of anger.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an effective way to deal with the presence of anger in your life. You can learn more about this by visiting my anxiety treatment page.