Human beings can be incredibly resilient.
When something bad happens to you, there are a variety of ways that you can adapt. You have been gifted with fight/flight/freeze instincts that mobilize you in response to threat. But sometimes you can have an experience that overwhelms all the different ways that your body gives you to adapt. This happens when you experience trauma.
Traumatic events can be so frightening that they disrupt the ability of the mind to process and integrate. When this happens, the trauma gets locked into its own memory. It is like the experience is frozen in time. This distancing from trauma is another way you adapt to an overwhelming event. With the trauma stored away, you are able to keep growing and developing. You can concentrate on normal activities like growing up, going to school, getting a job, and developing relationships.
But just because the trauma has been stored away doesn’t mean that it has gone away and is forgotten. Just because you are going on with your life doesn’t mean that trauma cannot impact you. It can show up in attitudes, feelings, and behaviors that don’t seem to make sense and get in the way of a life of meaning. For example, you may struggle with developing and maintaining close relationships. You may find that you are more anxious or hypervigilant in certain situations. Something can happen that will trigger your memory of the trauma, and it can feel like you are experiencing again.
All of these responses are signs that the traumatic memory is still impacting your life.
In her book, Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, Janina Fisher identifies five ways that these trauma responses can be present in your life. Even while you go on with your life, there are these trauma-related parts of your personality that can show up.
1. Fight: Vigilance
This trauma response shows up when you seemed to get angry more than most people, or your anger happens in response to things that don’t seem to be that big of a deal. It can also show up by struggling with the ability to trust. You may try to overcontrol situations and people in your life. You may find that you are harshly and judgmental and critical of yourself and others.
2. Flight: Escape
This trauma response shows up when you find yourself avoiding situations. These can be situations that seem to have some risks, but they can also be situations that involve activities that you would really enjoy. You may find that you have trouble making commitments. When people get too close, you find ways to sabotage the relationship. You may have a job offer but don’t take it, even if it has promise and the potential for advancement. Drug and alcohol abuse is another way that you seek to escape.
3. Freeze: Fear
This trauma response shows up when you feel terrified by a situation that doesn’t really appear to be that threatening. You have feelings of social or generalized anxiety. You may experience panic attacks. You restrict your behavior; there are places that you choose not to go because something inside tells you that it is threatening. Even in normal situations, you may feel wary or uncertain.
4. Submit: Shame
This trauma response shows up when you do something wrong; instead of feeling a normal sense of guilt, you feel shame about your whole sense of self. You have a lot of negative self-talk and even self-hatred. You develop a more passive stance toward life; you try to be a good person and never make a mistake, so you won’t feel the shame. Of course, this means that you may restrict your activities, so you don’t put yourself in the position to fail or do something wrong.
5. Attach: Needy
This trauma response shows up when you have a deep desire to be dependent on someone or to have someone that you know will never let you down. You have a deep craving for connection, but it is based on a need to feel safe; this craving can impact your ability to be a mutual partner in a relationship. You may try to please others so that they will not disappoint you or leave you.
Just because you exhibit some of these adaptive behaviors doesn’t mean you are dealing with trauma.
There can be lots of reasons you are angry or judgmental. Lots of people struggle with negative feelings about themselves. There can be a variety of reasons that you struggle with relationships or have anxiety. But when these behaviors seem to have a persistent presence in your life, or when they seem to be overreactions to different situations, you may be dealing with trauma.
Trauma treatment gives you a safe space to be mindful of these trauma reactions from a place of acceptance. This mindfulness gives you enough emotional space and flexibility to choose actions that are expressions of your values, even in the presence of these trauma reactions. My trauma treatment page will give you more information about how the therapy process can help you move beyond these reactions.