It is not unusual, at times, to feel uncomfortable or self-conscious in social settings. There are some people who are naturally shy and reserved.
Social anxiety goes beyond both of these. With social anxiety, there is an intense fear of being embarrassed or humiliated. This fear is present when you have to do something in the presence of others. You are controlled by thoughts that you will do something that will lead to others judging you as weak or incompetent.
Social anxiety affects about 7 percent adults. It is twice as common in women than in men. Some of the settings that can trigger social anxiety are public speaking, eating out, being in large crowds, or interacting with strangers.
There are emotional and physical symptoms to social anxiety.
Your heart rate can increase. You may start blushing and shaking. You mind takes over when these physical symptoms show up. It gives you messages that others are looking at you in an judging way. This can lead to your having trouble speaking or avoiding eye contact.
Again, social anxiety is more than just being shy and reserved. The symptoms are so powerful that they disrupt your life or cause significant distress. However, you can have success in dealing with it if you seek appropriate help and use some helpful coping skills.
Suggestions for Dealing with Social Anxiety
1. Realize that most people don’t realize what is happening.
There are some medical and psychological conditions that can be seen by anyone. While the symptoms of social anxiety may feel difficult or overwhelming when they are happening, the truth is these symptoms are not noticeable by others. Just realizing this can help you feel more at ease while you explore some other ways to deal with your condition.
2. Accept yourself
One of the first responses you make to the symptoms of social anxiety is that you resist or fight them. It is hard to fight physical symptoms like an increased heart rate, but it is possible to be aware of and present with those symptoms without getting caught up in them. In fact, responding to physical symptoms with worry can actually make them more present.
3. Avoid overthinking
More than the setting and the physical reactions, it is our thoughts that can make social anxiety so debilitating. You have an uneasy feeling in a social situation, and your mind goes to work. “There is something about the way they are looking at me.” “Be careful or you will make a fool of yourself.” “Why did you think you would be able to do this?” “You will always be like this.”
One way to avoid overthinking is learn ways to look at these thoughts instead of through these thoughts. When you through these thoughts, they are describing the reality of who you are. When you look at these thoughts, you can see them as thoughts your mind is giving you. This gives you some space to choose how you want to act, even in the presence of these distressing thoughts.
4. Focus on your breathing
Ovethinking gets you caught up in the past and the future: This situation is just like one in the past that you couldn’t handle. What is going to happen if you stay in this situation. This thinking can make your physical symptoms even worse. Deep breathing can ground you in the present.
Breathe in for 5 seconds, hold it for a moment, and then breathe out for 5 seconds. Give your attention to your breathing. If you get caught up in your overthinking, simply return your attention to your breathing.
5. Practice conversational skills
A common response to social anxiety is to be quiet in social situations. You feel anxious, and your mind convinces you that the best way to deal with the anxiety is to say little or nothing. That will keep you from being embarrassed. But it will also keep you from interacting with people in a way that gives you joy.
The social anxiety can convince you that you don’t have anything interesting to say. Or maybe you’ve said something, and you don’t know how to keep the conversation going.
One of simple ways to participate in social conversations is to ask questions. People love to talk about themselves, and asking question expresses a sincere interest in the other person. For example, you are at a gathering. You ask someone, “What kind of work do you do?” The say, “I’m an accountant.” Instead of thinking what to say next, see if you can come up with ten questions to ask a person who works as an accountant. What does a normal day look like for you? When did you know you wanted to be an accountant? What is one thing you love about your work? What is one thing you don’t like?
6. Get support and help
Don’t be afraid to share your struggles with family and friends. Social anxiety is something that happens, in varying degrees, to a lot of people. They can be there for support as you venture forth into settings that make you anxious. Therapy can give you some strategies to develop a different relationship with your anxiety that allows you to live a full and meaningful life. My anxiety treatment specialty page gives you more information about how I work with social anxiety.