You could say that regret is a normal part of relationships. No one does relationships perfectly. Especially in a committed relationship, at some point, you will say or do something for which you feel sorry, something you wish you had not said or done.
Regret becomes a problem in your relationship when you dwell constantly on your mistake; you replay over and over what you could have done differently. It can even make you begin to question the status of your relationship—if I can do something like that, what does it say about me as a partner?
Instead of allowing regret to grow and hurt your relationship, it is more helpful to become aware of it and to respond to it differently. Consider these strategies.
1. Do not ignore the regret.
The thoughts and feelings of regret can be uncomfortable. It is tempting to try and avoid them. There are several ways to do this. You might withdraw and be less engaging with your partner. You might throw yourself into work or a project. You might find yourself being more irritated and angry with your partner. Remember anger is a secondary emotion; it is easier to be angry at your partner than to deal with the regret.
2. Identify the feelings and thoughts of regret.
Some of these feelings include sadness, loss, remorse, guilt, shame, or anxiety. Like anger, none of these are comfortable feelings. And along with the feelings, you may have lots of thoughts: How could I act that way? Will we ever get over this? All these thoughts and feelings begin to shape our actions when we look through them instead of at them. These thoughts and feelings are not who you are; they are something that is happening to you. You are more than these thoughts and feelings.
3. Give yourself a break.
There are lots of studies that show the power of expression self-compassion in the presence of regret. Self-compassion is more than trying to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
In her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristin Neff says that self-compassion entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that you be gentle and understanding with yourself when you make a mistake, instead of harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, that you are just like everyone in the world and that’s okay. Third, it requires mindfulness; you hold your regret in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring it or exaggerating it.
4. Understand the role of missed opportunities.
Practicing self-compassion in response to regret can give you the space and flexibility to respond differently. You could say that the thoughts and feelings of regret mean you are paying attention. You have detected a concern. The regret can be an invitation to think about what you could have done differently.
This invitation is easier to accept if you can stay away from framing your actions as right or wrong, good or bad. Remember, regret is something that happens to everyone. It is one of the most common emotions you have. So why think of it as good or bad?
Instead, think about regret from a place of values. How do my regrettable actions belie who I want to be? What actions could I have taken that would have expressed more fully what I value as a partner in this relationship?
5. Be bolder.
Research shows that a missed opportunity is the biggest reason for regret. It’s more common for you to regret not doing something than to regret taking action. So, try to take advantage of good opportunities instead of letting them slip by.
If there is something specific you want to change about your relationship, speak up. If you are not happy with how your partner treats you, talk about it and ask for change. If there is something you want to change about yourself, a change that is a better reflection of your values, do it.
A past mistake can be an opportunity to learn and grow, if you have the wisdom to recognize and respond differently to regret.
If you would like more information about how therapy can help you deal with regret and other relationship problems, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.