In a previous blog I described five ways that you adapt to the experience of trauma.
The first response is fight or vigilance. It shows up when you seem to get angry more than most people, or your anger happens in response to things that don’t seem to be that big of a deal. It can also show up by struggling with the ability to trust or being judgmental and critical of yourself and others. The second response is flight or escape, where you avoid situations and people.
Then there is fear, where you can feel terrified by situations that don’t seem to be that threatening. There is also shame and guilt, which involves a lot of negative self-talk and self-hatred. Finally, there is neediness, where you look to relationships to make you feel safe.
All of these difficult emotions can be very painful. You don’t want them to be there, so you try to control them or keep them at bay. Most likely, that doesn’t really work, or it works for only a short period of time, and they seem to have even more presence in your life.
Since efforts to control these difficult emotions doesn’t work, there is another option to consider: accepting your emotions. Now, accepting doesn’t mean giving in to these emotions or resigning yourself to the feelings being there. Instead, it involves being gentle and compassionate with yourself and these strong feelings.
A powerful expression of this approach to feelings that cause pain and distress is found in a poem by the 13th century Persian poet, Rumi, entitled “The Guest House.”
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
In their book, Teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Program, Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff use the images from Rumi’s poem to describe this process of accepting difficult emotions. Each of these steps correspond to a gradual change in your relationship with these feelings.
The first step is RESISTING.
This happens as you struggle with the emotions when they show up. It makes sense that you don’t like these painful feelings, and so, you try to avoid them or control them. This would be like hiding in the house, blocking the door, or telling the visitor to go away.
The second step is EXPLORING.
This can happen when you turn toward the difficult feeling. You look at it from a wondering, curious stance. “Ah, look here; the guilt has shown up. Isn’t that interesting. I wonder what it has to say to me.” Referring to the images of the poem, Germer and Neff say this is like “peeking through the peephole in the door to see who has arrived (290).”
The third step is TOLERATING.
This involves a mindful acceptance of the difficult feeling. You let it be there and you look at it from a nonjudgmental perspective. It is what is happening right now, in the present, and you are willing to be present with it, to give it space in your life. This is like “inviting the guest in but asking him to remain in the entry hall of the house” (290).
The fourth step is ALLOWING.
This happens when you simply let the feelings come and go. They may get stronger. They may get weaker. They may stay the same. You may feel them in your body, or you are aware of thoughts that are associated with the feeling. This is like “allowing the guest to go wherever she wants to in the house” (290).
The fifth step is BEFRIENDING.
This happens when you wonder about the presence of the feelings. You consider what lessons or insights or directions they may have to offer you. This is like “sitting down with the guest and listening to what the guest has to say” (290).
Once you have reached this place of befriending, Germer and Neff offer some strategies you can use to do more in-depth work with these difficult emotions. I will describe those strategies in a future blog.
Going through these steps of acceptance can help you develop a different relationship with these feelings, a relationship that allows you to choose your response from a place of your own values.
My trauma treatment page gives you more information about how you can work on trauma in the therapy setting.