It is normal to feel anxiety. Anxiety is a response your body makes when it perceives danger. Your body produces adrenaline which puts you in a fight or flight mode. This mode makes you more aware of your surroundings you can sense and know how to respond to the perceived threat.
It is also normal to be concerned about what other people think of you. Humans are a social species, which means we depend on each other to survive. If you sense you are not connected well to the important people and groups in your life, that uncertainty will motivate you to focus how you are coming across to others.
When these two normal tendencies—anxiety and concern for what others think of you—get out of hand, you can suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).
If you struggle with SAD, it doesn’t mean you are hesitant or afraid to socialize. In fact, you desperately want to socialize with others. But this desire to socialize is overwhelmed by a fear of scrutiny. There is a social event that you really want to attend. There are people there who are your friends. You want to be a part of this gathering.
And so, you picture yourself in a social situation. But with social anxiety, you picture yourself doing or saying things that will cause you embarrassment or shame. You have a negative picture in your mind of what people will think of you and say about you. The picture becomes so powerful that you choose not to attend this social event that, a few minutes ago, was something you really wanted to do.
There are two ways that SAD can be self-reinforcing.
One, you know the thoughts and feelings of SAD are excessive, even irrational. But that knowledge gets overwhelmed by the “what if” factor. You imagine all kind of scenarios where something terrible can happen. You mind says that if you can imagine every possible negative scenario, you will be able to keep it from happening.
You’ve probably had the experience of others trying to convince you that your anxious thoughts are not rational. They point out that the scenarios you are imagining most likely will not happen. They try to convince you that the anxiety-producing situation is really an opportunity. You hear their advice, but the warnings of your anxious mind are more convincing.
Two, when you make the decision to avoid the anxiety-producing situation, your anxiety does go down. So your mind says, “See, you made the right decision.” But there is another part of you that realizes you missed the chance to enjoy a meaningful or joyous event.
Here are some ways that you can handle your SAD when it shows up.
1. Realize that just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.
Your mind is working all the time. It is generating thoughts and scenarios that keep you on the alert for threat or danger. But when we buy into and begin to look at our world through a particular set of thoughts, we believe that they define our world and our sense of self.
SAD brings together a collection of thoughts that exaggerate the possibility of danger. These thoughts see only negative consequences. They assign negative judgments to you and others. “If you go to this meeting, you will say something stupid. “Everyone can see how nervous you are, and they wonder what’s wrong with you.”
But you can decide to look at these thoughts instead of looking through them. These thoughts don’t define who you are; they are just ideas that your mind is giving you.
2. Don’t try to avoid SAD thoughts.
When these anxiety-producing thoughts show up, it is natural to avoid them; avoidance is an automatic reaction to fear. But while avoiding thoughts can give you some short-term relief, it is not a long-term solution.
One of the ways that we try to avoid anxiety-producing thoughts is to replace them with positive thoughts. For example, you replace, “This is going to be a disaster” with “You can do this.” We are learning that this doesn’t really work. You can tell yourself “You can do this.” But your mind knows that those words are just a replacement for “This is going to be a disaster.” So the unhelpful thought is still there.
3. Develop a different relationship with your SAD thoughts.
So, if you can’t avoid these thoughts and feelings and you don’t want to be controlled by them, what do you do? What if you could let the thoughts and feelings just be there? What if you can notice them, even accept them, as thoughts and feelings, not all of who you really are?
This a key part of how I use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help people with SAD. The reason you are feeling anxious is because you want to do something that is important and meaningful to you. If it wasn’t important, you wouldn’t feel anxious. So as you mindfully accept these thoughts and feelings, you have enough psychological space to choose and act on what gives you meaning.
I invite you to visit my anxiety treatment specialty page to learn more about how I work with people who struggle with SAD.