In my previous blog, I shared how schemas are often the source of conflict in relationships. According to Avigail Lev and Matthew McKay, schemas are “core beliefs and stories that we have constructed about ourselves and our relationships. A schema is a deep-rooted cognitive structure or framework that helps us…make sense of the world” (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Couples, 11).
Schemas are there in all of us.
They start developing in your childhood, based on interactions with your family and peers. When they show up in your current relationships, they can cause conflict. Here are ten relationship schemas that can shape how you experience yourself and your partner.
1. Abandonment/instability: the belief that your partner is unreliable and that he or she will disconnect or leave.
2. Mistrust/abuse: the expectation that your partner will harm, abuse, or neglect you.
3. Emotional deprivation: the expectation that your need for emotional support will not be met.
· Deprivation of nurturance—the absence of attention
· Deprivation of empathy—the absence of understanding
· Deprivation of protection—the absence of help
4. Defectiveness/shame: the belief that you are somehow defective, inferior, or unlovable.
5. Social isolation/alienation: the belief that you don’t fit, that you don’t belong with anyone. The sense of being alone while together, being unseen and not understood.
6. Dependence: the belief that it would be hard to survive emotionally without your partner, and that you would not be able to take care of yourself outside the relationship.
7. Failure: the belief that you will fail in your relationship (and key aspects of life).
8. Entitlement/grandiosity: the belief that your partner should provide for your needs, and that you have a right to expect his or her constant support.
9. Self-sacrifice/subjugation: the belief that you must always place your partner’s needs over your own— either because your partner’s needs are more important or because you fear rejection.
10. Unrelenting standards: the belief that you, and your partner, must meet high standards of performance—in life and in the relationship. And if these standards aren’t met, you or your partner are wrong and deserve criticism.
Since schemas are part of who you are, the goal is not to eliminate them. Instead, you can identify which schemas influence the way you look at life. Read back over the list of schemas slowly. Let the words sink in. Do any of these descriptions resonate or create an emotional reaction within you? If so, it might be important to spend some more time with it so you can understand it more fully. In my work with couples, I will often use a simple questionnaire that helps each person identify their specific schemas.
Once you have identified your specific relationship schemas, it is important to be aware that certain situations can trigger your schemas.
For example, your abandonment schema can be triggered when you sense your partner is withdrawn, unavailable, or expresses dissatisfaction about something in the relationship. Your emotional deprivation schema gets triggered when you don’t feel understood or safe. Your failure schema gets triggered by your own mistakes or by criticism from your partner.
Now that you have a better understanding of your personal triggers and some of the interactions that can trigger them, it is time to be aware of and monitor trigger situations as they happen. Most likely, schemas have been triggered if you have a strong emotional reaction to your partner that leads to a conflict. When your emotions are stirred, it is easy to become defensive and focus on what your partner is doing to create the conflict. Your awareness of schemas gives you a more helpful option.
Stop and identify what you are feeling, including any sensations in your body. Ask yourself: What are the automatic thoughts I am having—about each of you and the relationship? Are you making assumptions and judgments? In these moments you are giving yourself the chance to look at these thoughts and feelings instead of letting them shape how you respond.
With this space to reflect on these questions, you will be able to identify which schema has been triggered. You can decide how you want to respond in a way that expresses who you want to be as a loving, caring partner—not a person controlled by these schemas.
Of course, you aren’t always able to identify the schema and keep the conflict from happening. That’s okay. After the emotions have subsided, invite your partner to have a conversation about the argument. Identify the triggering situations and the thoughts and feelings you had. Identify the schema. Identify your behavior that came from this schema. Talk about how you would like to respond differently in the future.
Identifying and changing your relationship with schemas is one of the ways I work with people in couples therapy. You can get more information at my marriage counseling specialty page.