Nobody wants to experience a traumatic event. Trauma seems to be something imposed on you by another person or by difficult circumstances; it is not something you choose. Shame. Horror. Guilt. Fear. Anger. Despair. These are some of the emotions of trauma, and we are hardwired to reject and avoid these powerful feelings. So it makes sense that you would do all you can to get rid of any memories of the trauma so you don’t have to experience these feelings.
And yet, another part of you knows that your life is not what you want. Even when you don’t want to remember, the trauma can return in the form of flashbacks. You may be constantly on edge waiting for the memories to return. You avoid situations and relationships because you feel like the trauma has damaged you so deeply. The only way to live your life is to stuff the memories or be constantly on guard against the memories, and the thoughts and feelings that go with them. But even with all this effort to control, you know you are not really living a life of meaning.
Imagine that you are doing something that you really want to do, something you really enjoy. And then, some anxiety related to the trauma shows up. Instead of trying to avoid or control the anxiety, what would it be like to notice the feeling and let it be there? This doesn’t mean you want the anxiety or like the anxiety. Instead, you are simply letting the thoughts and feelings be there without try to change them or escape them. This is the essence of willingness.
Many years ago, I had a supervisor who would often say, “Gary, this doesn’t sound profound, but it is.”
Then he would make an observation that was obvious, common sense. But upon further reflection, you would see there was a lot of depth to what he was saying. One day, this is what he said, “Gary, this doesn’t sound profound, but it is. What you feel is what you feel.”
Uh, well of course. But when I stay with his words, I feel their deeper truth. What you feel is what you feel. It is nothing less, and nothing more, than what you are feeling in the moment. But when it becomes something that you don’t want to feel, or is wrong or bad to feel, or is threatening to feel, you are in a struggle with it. What would it be like to practice willingness, to simple feel what you feel?
As you consider this very different approach to the thoughts and feelings of trauma, know that there are misunderstandings about willingness.
In their book, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for the Treatment of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Trauma-Related Problems, Robyn D. Walser and Darrah Westrup identify a couple of barriers to willingness.
You can confuse willingness with feelings.
Being willing to have a feeling is not the same as wanting a feeling. As I said earlier, you did not want the trauma that happened to you, and if you think that you have to want the feeling, it can feel like you are minimizing or invalidating what happened to you. But if you can have the feeling, letting it be there without trying to control it, you may feel some emotional space and flexibility that allows you to choose an action that expresses your values.
You can confuse willingness with concession.
Your trauma has created a great deal of pain in your life. You have survived a horrific event. You may be feeling the effects of that event throughout your life. You have come up with many strategies to avoid or control these effects. So willingness may feel like allowing the trauma to win or saying that it really isn’t that important. Here is a great paradox. You don’t want to be a victim of the trauma, and yet, to acknowledge and feel the realness of the trauma, you must keep yourself in the role of victim.
Practicing willingness is a part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is the approach I use in working with people who have experienced trauma. Through a variety of practices and interventions, you will learn how willingness plays a role in developing a different relationship with the thoughts and feelings of your trauma. You can visit my trauma treatment page to learn more.