When I talk about self-compassion with clients who are struggling with depression, often, it is hard for them to imagine themselves expressing that kind of concern for themselves. Almost immediately, they think of all the things that are wrong with them that prove that self-compassion is not something they can really experience. In their minds, self-compassion is trying to overcome the negative thoughts of depression with a list of positive thoughts.
That is not an approach that works because of the way your thinking mind works. The only way you can know the positive thoughts are there is because the negative thoughts are there as well. And so, if you are struggling with depression, it is easy for the negative thoughts to overwhelm the positive ones.
Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer are two people who are helping us learn more about what self-compassion is and how we can express it.
In their work, they identify three negative responses you have when things go wrong…when you fail, suffer, or feel inadequate.
The first is self-criticism.
This involves feeling shame and guilt. You are hard on yourself because you have done something “wrong.” Or you are hard on yourself because there is “something wrong with you;” you have some deep flaw that keeps you from ever doing something well.
The second is self-isolation.
This involves pulling away from the people around you, even the people who care for you and want to be there for you. It easy to tell yourself that no one else would make a mistake like you have made, so being around others reinforces just how bad you are.
The third is self-absorption.
This response works in tandem with the other two. Your mind begins to weave together a narrative about the mistake you made and how bad you are that you made that mistake. This narrative can draw stories from the past about previous failures; it can go into the future and make predictions about failures you will have in the future.
I have described these three responses as negative, but the truth is they are expressions of your threat response system. You have probably heard of the flight-flight-freeze response. When you encounter something that is a threat, these responses give you a way to protect yourself and feel safe.
The self-criticism is an expression of your fight response, as you turn your anger on yourself and try to figure out what’s wrong with you. The self-isolation is an expression of your flight response; you want to pull back and get away from the threatening feelings. The self-absorption is an expression of your freeze response; you get stuck in the stories you tell about yourself, and it is hard to take any action.
But there is more to you than your fight-flight-freeze response. There is another response that one person has called the “tend and befriend system. This is a system that has to do with feelings of contentment, safety, and connection…It is a system that gives us feelings of soothing and creates feelings of well-being” (Ronald D. Siegler, The Science of Mindfulness: A Research-Based Path to Well-Being, Great Courses Lecture).
More than just trying to think happy, positive thoughts, self-compassion is a practice that seeks to activate this tend-and-befriend system when you are struggling with the thoughts and feelings and actions that are part of your depression.
In her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristin Neff says that self-compassion “entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it.”
So, when you are experiencing self-criticism, you intentionally develop ways to practice self-kindness. When you are experiencing self-isolation, you intentionally develop ways to experience your common humanity, the awareness that all of us have sadness or depression. When you are experiencing self-absorption, you develop mindfulness practices that allow you to step out of the past and future and experience the wonder of the present moment.
People who struggle with depression can be controlled by the thoughts and feelings of the depression. Instead of it being something you experience, depression becomes something you are. Developing self-compassion is a way to accept the presence of your depression without being defined by it. If you would like to learn more about how I work with people who are struggling with depression, please visit my depression treatment specialty page.