When people find out that I am a therapist, they often will ask: So what exactly do you do with your clients? There follow-up questions reflect their own picture of what therapy is about. Do you give advice? Do you tell people what to do?
Here is one of the ways that I answer this question. I invite people to think and wonder about their lives from a different perspective.
Most people come to counseling with specific complaints. They may be struggling from anxiety or depression, from stress or trauma. They may be struggling with conflicts in their relationship. Instead of just offering specific interventions, I invite them to consider how these problems are contributing to the struggles in their lives.
Consider depression, for example. What is the depression telling you about your situation? How is it getting you to look at yourself, your relationships, your work, or your friendships? Do you agree with what the depression is telling you? If you are dissatisfied, that means you have a picture inside of how you want it to be. Tell me more about that picture.
So the depression becomes an opportunity for you to do some self-reflection.
Self-reflection is the process of stepping back and looking at your wants, dreams, goals, attitudes, and behaviors. Then, you can compare these things to how you’re actually living. Now to be clear, this is not about identifying all your shortcomings and beating yourself up as a failure. If you struggle with depression, that is easy to do.
Here are some ways that intentional and meaningful self-reflection can contribute to your mental well-being.
1. Self-reflection helps you realize you have the power to make changes.
Self-reflection is about looking at the hopes, the dreams, and the values you want to have in your life. Only when you spend time thinking about your hopes, dreams, and values will you get insight into what you want. From there, you can take steps to make positive changes in your life.
Perhaps you have been struggling with boredom or lack of motivation at work. Self-reflection can help you realize that this struggle is because you’ve lost connection with the values you want to express at work.
Perhaps you have been struggling with an absence of joy or feeling disconnected from others. Self-reflection can lead to you taking some time off, picking up a new hobby, or calling up a friend you haven’t talked with in a while.
2. Self-reflection can help you be a kinder person.
Often, it’s only when someone points out our behavior that we can take a moment to step back and realize the effect our words and actions have on people. You realize that your actions may have hurt or offended someone. The depression can get you to beat yourself and label yourself as bad for being an uncaring person. Self-reflection can show you that you are not bad; instead, you have not consistently expressed the value of kindness in your daily interactions.
So you make the decision to be more aware of how you are interacting with others and how you can express your desire to be kind.
3. Self-reflection can help sense how much you have achieved.
Self-reflection doesn’t always have to involve making dramatic changes.
If you are feeling sad and need a bit of a boost, it might be worth thinking about or some of the milestones you’ve crossed and goals you’ve managed to achieve.
By reflecting on your achievements and your journey so far, you can appreciate how far you’ve come and where you’re headed.
4. Self-reflection can help you learn from your mistakes.
Sometimes the person you need to express kindness to is yourself.
By considering events from the past, you can process how much you have learned and establish how to make positive choices in the future. Knowledge and experience are powerful tools. You can develop rituals of self-compassion, reminding yourself that, like everyone else, you are doing the best you can.
This kind of self-reflection is part of what I do with people who are struggling with depression. My depression treatment specialty page gives you more information about how counseling can help you with your depression.