If you have experienced trauma, you might struggle with standing up for yourself. In a previous post, I described the fawn response to trauma. Unlike the fight-flight-freeze responses, fawning is responding by becoming more appealing to the one whom you see as a threat. You present yourself as non-threatening by saying what the threatening person wants to hear or acting in a way that might lessen the chance that the threatening person will harm you.
The idea of being assertive can feel uncomfortable or even threatening to a person who has experienced trauma.
And yet, being assertive means behaving in a way that gives you the chance to accomplish goals and achieve your purpose in any situation.
Power is a constant factor in any interpersonal relationship. Power is the ability to have influence over a situation and to get things accomplished. Assertive people use this personal power in a meaningful way.
The fawn response can lead to being passive in your interactions with others, even when there is no threat. When you are passive, you use your personal power in a minimal way. You act as if the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and goals are more important than your own. It is easy to give in to others because you think that your thoughts and opinions don’t matter. You don’t want to rude. You don’t want people to be upset with you.
However, at the other end of the spectrum, being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. When you are aggressive, you use your personal power to dominate. You act as if your thoughts, feelings, and goals are the only ones that matter. You don’t want to appear weak, because that means people will take advantage of you.
Imagine that you need the services of an attorney. You certainly don’t want a person who is passive. You want someone who will advocate for your rights by confronting the other party. It will be hard for a passive person to do that.
So, you tell yourself that you want someone who is tough, someone who will fight for you. You want someone who is aggressive. But just because your attorney is aggressive doesn’t mean they are competent. In fact, that aggression can actually interfere with their ability to help you.
The middle ground between being passive and being aggressive is being assertive.
If you are assertive, you believe that both your needs and the needs of the other person are valid and important. You believe that there is the ability to work out differences.
These beliefs shape your behavior. You can be honest about your thoughts and feelings, but you do it in a respectful way. You can actively listen to and be considerate of other people’s perspectives because they are not a threat. Assertive people can maintain control over their feelings and admit when they’ve made a mistake, because you are not framing the interaction as a win-lose situation.
Being passive or aggressive can be a triggered reaction to an uncomfortable or threatening situation. Being assertive is more of a response that you choose.
If you are assertive, you will have a variety of ways to respond depending on your awareness of the circumstances. There are times when the right thing for you to do is to be conciliatory. There are other times when it is appropriate for you to be resistant, even insistent. There are times when the sensible thing for you to do is to turn to others for help.
One of the main ways you can practice assertiveness is with your words. When you share assertively, begin by sharing your view of the situation and your feelings about the situation. Then, you can share what you want to achieve with the outcome and some ideas for resolving the situation.
On my trauma treatment specialty page, you can learn more about the impact of trauma and how counseling can be helpful.