Conflict between partners, and the inability to work through that conflict, is one of the main reasons people come to marriage counseling. But if each of you are experiencing stress in other areas of your life, it can hurt your ability to be more connected. You may be having problems at work, or with family members and friends. It is important to find a way to share these stressors with each other.
Not dealing with these outside stressors is one of the reasons that couples relapse after learning how to handle conflict in marriage therapy. You carry around the problem at work. The problem with your relative is always weighing on your mind. But if you do not find a way to share this with your partner, they may assume that you are withdrawing emotionally. They can get defensive and react. The conflict starts up again.
I was working with a couple recently who were caught in this defensive reactive pattern. It was very difficult for them to step back and respond differently when they were triggered. Usually, this difficulty comes from a deep-seated need in each of them, like fear of abandonment or past trauma. When one of them changed jobs because they were very unhappy, they noticed that the conflict began to lessen. The partner who changed jobs realized they were bringing home the stress of work, and it was impacting their ability to connect.
This couple could have benefited from being more intentional with talking about the outside stressors in their lives. John Gottman has developed an exercise to help with this. He calls it the Stress-Reducing Conversation.
This exercise helps you give focus to the “how was your day” conversation that you might be having right now.
Here are some steps to follow in having a Stress-Reducing Conversation.
1. Be aware of your timing.
To be meaningful, this conversation needs to happen with both of you are available. You may want to come home and talk about stressful situations as soon as possible. Your partner may need some time to decompress. Pick a time that is good for both of you.
2. Include something positive.
Yes, it is called a stress-reducing conversation, but bringing up something positive about the day can help reduce the stress. Or you can bring up something that you are looking forward to in the coming days.
3. Show genuine interest.
Give your partner your undivided attention. Don’t let your eyes or your mind wander. Find ways to communicate that are trying to connect and empathize with what your partner is saying. Be aware of times in the conversation where you can express some supportive affection like a touch of the hand or putting your arm around your partner.
4. Take your partner’s side.
As your partner explains a stressful situation at work, you may think the boss or coworker is right or at least has a point. Be completely supportive of what your partner is sharing. Validate their perspective. Validating is saying to your partner, “Wow, when you talk about what this means to you, I can see why you are so upset.”
5. Make sure your partner feels fully understood.
The best way to do this is to ask. Do you feel understood? Do you feel like I am getting what is happening with you? If not, then make statements or ask questions that will increase your understanding. Tell me more about what this is like for you. What is most upsetting to you about this? What do you need from me?
Only after your partner feels understood, do you try to give advice. And you offer this advice only if your partner wants it. Would it help if I offered some advice or suggestions? If your partner says no, then just continue to be supportive.
Gottman suggests that each of you take turns sharing. This gives both of you a chance to share and a chance to be understanding. Talking about the stressors of daily life is an important practice of self-disclosure, and it can bring you closer.
Stress-Reducing Conversations are just one of the practices that I teach people in marriage therapy. If you would like to know more, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.