Anxiety can show up in your life in a variety of ways. One of the lesser-known but pervasive behaviors that creates anxiety is people-pleasing. People-pleasing is the compulsion to seek approval from others or to avoid conflict. It can seem like benign behavior. After all, who doesn’t want to be liked and approved of by those in your life. But when driven by anxiety it can have a deep impact on your mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.
The connection between anxiety and people-pleasing has its roots in the nature of anxiety. Anxiety is a natural human response to stress or perceived threats. It is characterized by thoughts and feelings of worry, nervousness, and fear. Anxiety becomes a problem when these thoughts and feelings show up in a debilitating way.
People-pleasing is the act of prioritizing others' needs and desires over your own to gain approval, avoid conflict, and feel accepted.
People-pleasers often go to great lengths to avoid disappointing others, frequently saying "yes" when they want to say "no", and suppressing their own needs and feelings. This behavior can be driven by a deep-seated fear of rejection or criticism, often rooted in low self-esteem or past experiences of conditional acceptance.
The link between anxiety and people-pleasing lies in the underlying fear and need for control. With your anxiety, you may fear negative outcomes, such as rejection, disapproval, or conflict. To mitigate these fears, you might resort to people-pleasing as a coping mechanism. By constantly seeking to please others, you attempt to control their social environment and reduce the likelihood of anxiety-provoking situations.
A common source of anxiety is the fear of rejection or abandonment. People-pleasers have a heightened sensitivity to others' opinions and a deep fear of being disliked or left out. This fear can lead you to cater excessively to others' needs, often at the expense of your own well-being. The constant need for validation and approval can create a cycle of anxiety and people-pleasing, where you feel trapped in a never-ending quest to satisfy others.
If you struggle with anxiety, you probably struggle with the uncomfortable feelings that come with conflict with others. People-pleasing becomes a strategy to maintain harmony and avoid the anxiety associated with conflict. However, this avoidance can lead to suppressed emotions, unresolved issues, and strained relationships.
People-pleasing can impact your well-being in several ways.
1. You experience exhaustion and burnout.
When you are a people-pleaser, you tend to overextend yourselves by taking on too many responsibilities trying to meet everyone’s expectations. This can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion, as they struggle to balance your own needs with the demands of others. Burnout can exacerbate anxiety, creating a vicious cycle of overcommitment and stress.
2. You struggle with resentment and anger.
Suppressing your own needs and desires can lead to feelings of resentment and anger. People-pleasers may feel taken advantage of or unappreciated, but their fear of conflict prevents them from expressing these emotions. Over time, this bottled-up resentment can damage relationships and further contribute to anxiety.
3. You lose touch with your own identity.
Constantly seeking approval from others can cause you to lose touch with your own identity. You may become so focused on fulfilling others' expectations that you neglect your own goals and aspirations. This loss of self can lead to feelings of emptiness and a lack of direction, which can further fuel anxiety.
In counseling people with anxiety, I help people identify and develop a different relationship with the thoughts and feelings that contribute to your anxiety. But you can also learn some techniques that will help you deal with your people-pleasing tendencies. This keeps the anxiety from taking hold of your life. You can learn how to develop self-awareness through mindfulness practices. You can learn how to set healthy boundaries. You can learn how to develop self-compassion so you can treat yourself with kindness and understanding. My anxiety treatment specialty page gives you more information about how I work with anxiety.