The feelings of depression show up again.
You feel sad or listless, even a sense of despair. You lack the energy to do the daily tasks of living. You sleep too much, you can’t seem to fall asleep or stay asleep. You isolate yourself, choosing to avoid activities and social situations that it seems like would give you pleasure. And then there are all of the thoughts that go with the depression. Thoughts about you own sense of worth. Thoughts about your weakness because the depression keeps coming back, no matter how much you don’t want it, or how much you try.
How much you try…those words capture what most of us do in response to depression. It goes something like this. The depression means that there is something wrong with me. If there is something wrong with me, well, I need to try as hard as I can to control the depression. And there are lots of ways that we do this. We may try to avoid or push away the negative thoughts. We try to figure why we are feeling this way, because if we know why, then we will know what actions we need to take. All these coping mechanisms make sense because this is how we are taught to respond to other problems in our lives. We figure out and take control.
However, when it comes to depression, control not only doesn’t help.
In fact, it can make the depression worse. For example, let say one of the ways you try to control your depression is to take naps during the day. But does that work? Well, you may feel better after you’ve slept, but then you start feeling guilty about all the time you’ve wasted. Or you avoid social settings because they seem to take away your energy. But does that work? Well, your are glad you don’t have to act like you’re happy when you’re really not, but then you realize you haven’t seen a close friend or a family member in a long time.
Again, it is not that any of these choices are bad. There is nothing wrong with a nap or staying at home or trying to think positive thoughts instead of negative ones. The problem isn’t that these are bad choices; they just don’t work. All of these efforts may work for a short period of time because they seem to control the emotional distress of depression, but they don’t really offer ways to live a vital and meaningful life.
Welcoming Your Emotions
If controlling, figuring out, understanding, and avoiding the depression doesn’t work, then what does? Perhaps we can begin by giving up the illusion of control; perhaps we can get the results that we want by facing, even welcoming difficult, emotions instead of running from them. Now let me be clear, facing and welcoming your depression is not the same as giving in or letting the depression take over. If we are willing to allow our depressive thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way, we can see more clearly the way they are shaping our lives. And if we do that consistently, we gain enough psychological flexibility to see more clearly the actions we can take that are more attuned to our values.
My approach to depression treatment will give you a chance to explore all the different ways you have tried to control your depression and to consider how those tactics have not been successful. You will learn a variety of mindfulness practices that allow you to approach and embrace all your emotions, even the ones that you don’t like. Then you can develop a different relationship with your depression, a relationship that frees you to order your life according to what your own meaning and values.
For more information about therapy for depression, click here.