In her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristin Neff says that self-compassion “entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it.”
These components suggest that self-compassion is more than forcing yourself to think positive, happy thoughts about yourself and the world.
It is being real and honest about yourself and the world AND choosing to respond to them in a different way. These components also suggest that self-compassion is not the same as self-esteem. Self-esteem involves feeling good about yourself, and in order to feel good about yourself, you have to believe that you are unique. You have to excel at everything you do. And most important, you have to see how, in some way, you better than other people. This can only happen by comparing yourself to others, and in this comparison game, sometimes you are better and sometimes you are worse than others. So, your self-esteem bounces around based upon these comparisons.
Over the last few years, Neff has studied these components of self-compassion, and her research shows that developing a self-compassion practice can help you develop a new relationship with the thoughts and feelings that contribute to your depression. In this blog we will look at the first component of self-compassion: self-kindness.
Kindness is not a feeling; it involves action.
It involves treating another person kindly. There is an almost natural tendency to be kind to family, friends, loved ones, neighbors, even strangers when you see them struggling. And yet, when you make a mistake or fail in ways that are very similar to others, the response is often harsh and judgmental. In fact, one of the reasons you do not recognize this difference is because the harsh and judgmental response to your own mistakes feels normal.
This judgmental response feels normal because it has been around for so long. As a child, you rely on your parents to provide food, comfort, and security. You rely on them to give meaning to the world and make sense of it. So when those same parents are critical of you, it is easy to believe that you are the problem. Some parents are guilty of criticizing harshly, but even the best of parents must be critical at times, so quickly you learn you need to figure out and control your behavior, so you won’t lose approval.
But it is not just parents. There are larger cultural messages that contribute to your harsh self-judgment.
We live in a society that stresses growth in independence and individual achievement. So what happens when you don’t reach the ideal goals you have set? Well, there is really only one person to blame: yourself. And it doesn’t stop there. Because you are solely responsible for doing well and feeling good about yourself, you are on the lookout for any clue that it won’t happen. This can result in you trying even harder, or simply deciding that you are flawed and give up trying. This is what happens to a lot of people who struggle with depression.
Practicing the self-kindness that is part of self-compassion is stopping the constant self-judgment and harsh internal commentary that you have come to believe is normal. But it is not just about stopping the self-judgment; it also involves “actively comforting ourselves, responding as we would to a dear friend in need.” (Neff) It is not unusual to be moved deeply by seeing the pain of loved one. Something would stir within you. With your words and your actions, you would try to soothe and calm them. You would offer warmth and gentleness. Can you imagine having those same kinds of responses and making those same gestures of caring to yourself?
The first step toward practicing self-kindness is to become aware of this self-critical voice when it shows up.
This will take some practice since it can happen so frequently it feels normal. Notice the words that you say to yourself when you make a mistake or feel bad about something. Are there words that you use often (“That was so stupid…How could you do that”). Can you hear the tone of those words? Once you become aware of the words, you can soften that self-critical voice. Finally, you can find words that are kinder and gentler.
You can also add some physical gestures to express self-kindness. When the harsh, judgmental voice shows up, you can pat or stroke the back of your hand the way you would do when you are comforting a friend. You can even give yourself a gentle hug.
Self-kindness is the first core component in self-compassion. In future blogs we will look at the other two components: recognizing your common humanity and mindfulness. If you are struggling with depression and would like to learn more about how I can help you, please visit my depression treatment specialty page.