Originally, the word ‘ritual’ referred to a religious custom, practice, or ceremony. Rituals were designed to nurture a relationship with the Divine and among a religious community. Eventually, it came to refer to the customs used by any group to strengthen their bond. You can see rituals on sports teams, with business groups, and in families. Rituals can also nurture the relationship between you and your partner.
A ritual is different than a routine.
Both are actions that are repeated over and over. However, you do a routine out of habit, almost without thinking. You do a ritual with intent and feeling. Rituals in a relationship are a way of saying: I value us. I am thinking about the connection we have as we do this ritual together every day or every week.
Rituals can enhance how involved we are in activity. Imagine you have your favorite candy bar in front of you. First, imagine tearing open the wrapper and eating this wonderful treat in three or four bites. Now, imagine slowly opening the wrapper and setting the bar on the table in front of you. Break it into three or four pieces. Pick up the first piece. Look at it. Feel it in your hands. Put it in your mouth and taste it as you slowly chew it. Lick your fingers. Now, do the same thing with the other pieces. It becomes a completely different experience…because of the ritual.
A relationship ritual doesn’t have to be something you make up. They can be things you do every day. They become a ritual for you with the intent you add to them. Here are three different types of rituals you can build into your relationship.
Saying Goodbye and Hello Rituals
Kissing your partner goodbye or telling them “I love you” is not just one of many things you do in the morning on the way out the door. They are bids for connections. They are a simple way to feel the bond between you.
If both of you are up, you can share a cup of coffee or tea together. If one of you leaves before the other, write a simple love note for them to read.
The same thing is true for your coming-home ritual. Don’t just walk in the door and go change clothes. Don’t just keep doing a task when your partner comes home. Meet each other with a welcoming ritual that re-establishes connection between you. It is a way of saying, “I am glad we are together again, and I look forward to our evening together.”
Make the hug you share when you walk in the door last longer. Sit down and have a simple conversation about the day.
2. Celebration Rituals
You will have lots of moments to celebrate over the life of your relationship. Some happen every year like birthdays and anniversaries. Others will come unexpectedly, like job promotions or recognitions. Develop rituals for those yearly events. It can be as simple as a card with a meaningful note. You could go to the restaurant you first went to as a couple. You could cook a meal together.
Make sure these rituals feel right for both of you. You don’t want them to be so routine that they require no planning, but you don’t want them to be so involved that you stress out over them.
Another time for celebration rituals is holidays. Decorating for Christmas can be a chore that you have to do, or it can be something that you do the same way every year. Do everything together, or divide up the tasks, while listening to Christmas music. Come together for some hot apple cider or a glass of wine when you are done.
3. Conflict Rituals
Perhaps it sounds strange to talk about conflict rituals. And yet, one of the things that rituals can do is give you a sense of structure and control. It is easy for conflicts to deteriorate and get out of control. So, build some rituals into these moments. You can stop the interaction and do something else. Walk around the block together. Listen to some soothing music together. When the conflict is resolved, share something sweet together, like a piece of candy. It is a signal to both of you that the conflict is over.
Again, rituals are not the same as a routine. They are done with meaning and intent.
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