1. Anger is a powerful emotion.
There is nothing subtle about anger. You can feel it physiologically. Your breathing becomes heavy or fast. You may feel hot or start sweating. Your body may shake, or your head may start to hurt. Muscles in different parts of your body may tighten or clench.
But anger is not just physiological. There is a mental aspect to anger. You may not be able to stop thinking about the problem or situation that is the source of your anger. You ruminate on an injustice done to you or someone else.
Finally, there is a behavioral aspect to anger. You raise your voice and yell. You may pace around the room. You may become argumentative and insulting. You may throw objects or punch a wall.
These physiological, mental, and behavioral aspects of anger can be so powerful that you may feel like you have only two options: Control or suppress the anger or let it out and express it.
2. Anger is a normal and natural emotion.
This may be hard for you to believe or accept. How can an emotion that can be so destructive be normal and natural? And yet, it is not the anger that is destructive. It is how you respond to the presence of anger in your life.
Anger can be a great motivator for change. As I mentioned earlier, anger can come in response to an injustice done to you or someone else. It comes in response to a situation of perceived unfairness. Anger can motivate you to do something to help those who might be suffering because of the injustice or unfairness.
If your immediate response to the feeling of anger is “Uh-oh,” you have already framed the emotion as bad or something that should not be there. When this happens, your efforts to deal with the anger can become more problematic than the anger itself.
3. Anger is a misunderstood emotion.
A lot of the misunderstanding of anger comes from what we try to do with it. We have learned two main ways to deal with anger.
First, you can try to control the anger by holding it in.
We are learning that holding your anger in is bad for you. It only builds more pressure for you to eventually release it. Remember, anger is not subtle. A strong emotion like anger supercharges your cardiovascular system, your nervous system, and even your digestive system. So, trying to control all that is happening in your body when you are angry can do a lot of harm.
Second, you can let the anger out and express it.
If holding the anger in is so harmful, well, it seems like letting it out is the solution. Anger doesn't automatically lessen when express. It is rarely a cathartic experience. Anger usually feeds on itself. “I’m just venting” you might say. But venting your anger with words or action doesn't make anger easier to manage; often it only increases the intensity of the feeling.
Even if you think this venting makes you feel better, that feeling subsides quickly. And while you may feel better, the harm you have done to your relationships from expressing your anger is real.
So, is there a third option beyond stuffing or venting your anger? When I work with people who struggle with anger, I don’t talk with them about anger control or management, I talk with them about anger awareness. Being mindfully aware of what is happening in your body and your mind when you are angry allows you to be present with this powerful emotion without getting caught up in it. This mindful awareness gives you the emotional flexibility you need to choose, even in the presence of the anger, an action that expresses who you want to be.
In my next post, I will offer some more specific ways to develop a different relationship with your anger. If you would like to know more about how I work with people who struggle with anger and other anxiety issues, please visit my anxiety treatment page.