Worry means to give yourself over to anxiety. It means to allow your mind to dwell on difficulties or problems. But there is another definition of worry you may not know. As it relates to carnivorous animals, it can mean to tear at or gnaw with the teeth. The dog was worrying the bone. This definition speaks to the harmful presence of worry in your life. Worry can tear at you. It can strangle or choke you.
And yet, worry is common. Several polls show that on any given day, 55% of American worry about something.
Worry is not just common. There was a time when worry was helpful. Worry is a trait that goes back to our prehistoric ancestors. During that time the world was a dangerous place. Worrying kept you alert to the threat of predators or other groups that might want to harm you. If you did not worry, you might not survive. So, worrying became ingrained in your nature.
It is one thing to worry about an external threat like the predatory animal that might be lurking in the trees. Many of the things you worry about now are internal. You worry about how you are coming across to your coworkers. You worry if your partner is being faithful or honest. You worry if you will have enough money for retirement. You worry about a problem with your health.
External sources of worry will go away. You realize that the brown spot in the trees is a rock, not a bear. Internal sources of worry do not go away. They are always there. You can always bring them up in your mind.
Since they are always there and your mind can bring them up at any time, it is important to develop ways to deal with these internal sources of worry.
The first thing you can do is learn how to look at your thoughts instead of through your thoughts.
See if you can notice the difference between these two statements.
· My partner is not being honest.
· My mind is telling me that my partner is not being honest.
The first sentence is a statement of fact. It is truth, and you must figure out what to do with it. If you decide to believe it, then it will shape how you think about and act toward your partner. If you decide not to believe it or to question it, then your thinking goes in other directions. How can I find out and be sure? What does it say about them and our relationship? Maybe I should confront them? Maybe I should just walk away? All of this comes from looking through this thought.
The first sentence is not a statement of reality. It is just a thought that your mind is giving you. This is an example of looking at your thought.
This “looking at” stance gives you some space to be curious. It gives you the space to decide what you want to do with this thought. As you look at it, you may decide that it is a silly notion and let it go. You may decide that you want to share this with your partner and invite them into a conversation. The key word here is “decide.” You don’t react. You choose how you want to respond.
The second thing you can do deal with worry is to be aware of the constant chatter in your head.
You don’t notice this constant chatter until your mind locks on a thought and begins to look through it. A mindfulness practice can help you develop a different relationship with the thoughts that create worry.
Sit quietly for a few moments in a comfortable position. Give your attention to your breathing, the air moving in as you inhale and moving out as you exhale. When you realize that your mind has wandered to a thought, no matter how simple or significant, acknowledge the thought. Then, gently return to your breathing.
Instead of focusing on your breath, you can focus on a phrase. As you breath in and out, you say in your mind “Be still,” or some other meaningful phrase. Doing this for five minutes a day can help you develop a different relationship with worrisome thoughts.
This practice is just one of many that I teach people who come to me for counseling about worry. My anxiety treatment page can give you more information about how counseling can help you.