When couples come in for an initial session, I have them describe the specific issues that are creating problems in the relationship. One of the questions I always ask is how long have these issues been present in your relationship? It is not unusual to hear the couple respond in terms of months and years. In their book, 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, John and Julia Gottman state that the “average time couples wait to seek help after first feeling distressed is six years. Imagine discovering a suspicious lump and delaying a doctor’s appointment for six years!” With this delay, couples come to therapy because they feel their relationship is in real trouble.
With those thoughts and feelings, one of the most important things to do early in therapy is to develop a sense of hope for the couple. Here are some ideas to help you with those hopeless feelings that can show up because of months or years of distress in your relationship.
It’s not just the issues but how you are handling them.
It is easy to get caught up in the specific issues that are causing your conflicts. Most couples have issues that create struggle and conflict every time they come up. But the problem may not be that the issue is unsolvable or that your partner is just too different. It may be how you are responding to each other when the conflict shows up. When you are caught up in defensiveness, and the reactions that go with it, it is hard to communicate clearly and to hear the perspective of the other person.
An important part of the counseling process is seeing the patterns that keep you from hearing each other. It is about identifying when you are reacting, stepping back, and even with the defensive thoughts and feelings, choosing to do something different.
When conflicts have been happening in your relationship for years, it is easy to decide that it will take years to change the pattern. Your mind can say: It’s been so long. Can you or your partner really be different? But when you move the focus from the issues to how you are interacting in response to the issue, it can be empowering because you are acting in a way that fits how you want to be as a loving, caring partner.
Here are two ways to respond to these long-term conflicts.
Practice compassion for you and your partner.
When you are defending your position on an issue, it is hard to feel compassion. Instead of getting caught up in whose right or wrong, step back and acknowledge, to yourself and out loud to your partner, how difficult this situation is. Reveal how much you are hurting and hear and receive your partner’s hurt as well. Admit to one another that this is a situation that neither of you anticipated or wanted, and yet, here it is, so what can we do differently.
Put yourself in your partner’s perspective.
When you are in a defensive reactive pattern, you aren’t interested in communicating. You are interested in, well, defending your position from what feels like an attack from your partner. This pattern also keeps you from trying to understand and embrace your partner’s perspective. It is easy to react to the picture of your partner that you have inside your head. It is important to see where they are really coming from.
Begin by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes.
What, really, are they saying? What are the assumptions and ideas that are driving what they say? What makes this issue so important for her? Don’t just think about these questions and provide your own answers; ask your partner and hear what they say.
Next, check in with your partner and see if you really understand. Continue checking in until you sense that they feel heard and understood.
Finally, validate what you hear.
Even if you don’t agree with their perspective, you can say something like, “Because this is how you are thinking and feeling about this situation, I can see why you are struggling or why you are upset.”
In couples counseling, I can offer you a variety of interventions that can help you practice these responses in a meaningful way. Please visit my couples counseling specialty page for more information.