Over four decades of research and working with couples in therapy, Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed a model for thinking about relationships that they call The Sound Relationship House. The different “floors” of the house describe actions that couples can take to break through barriers and achieve deeper understanding and connection.
The floors of this Relationship House are supported by two columns: Trust and Commitment.
Trust is basically the answer to the question: Are you there for me? You may not ask question consciously, but it is there beneath the surface, shaping the depth of your trust. Do I know that you will choose me over your friends or your family? Do I know that you will be there for me when I need you? Do I know that you will commit yourself to provide safety and security for our family?
One of the components of building trust is being honest. Honesty means that your partner can rely on what you say. It is the absence of lying and deceit. It means that your partner doesn’t have to wonder if there is anything else you are not saying or anything else that you are doing.
If there is an underlying sense that your partner cannot trust you, they begin to lose the sense that you are there for them in a real and lasting way. Her are some ways for you to practice staying honest with your partner.
Criticizing your partner is an expression of dishonesty.
It is important to understand the differences between a criticism and a complaint. A complaint describes the problem you have with a specific situation or interaction. “When you leave the sink full of dirty dishes, it upsets me. I would like for that not to happen.” A criticism describes a problem as a flaw in your partner’s personality. “You are so messy.” Statements that begin with “You always” or “You never” are often criticisms.
A complaint implies there is something wrong with your partner’s behavior. A criticism implies there is something wrong with your partner’s character. This is why a criticism is an expression of dishonesty. You really don’t believe the negative description of your partner’s character. Most likely, you are feeling defensive and using your words to defend yourself.
If you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize.
Everyone makes mistakes, but it takes courage to admit them. Admitting your mistakes shows you trust your partner enough to take responsibility for your actions. It shows that you trust your partner enough to be honest with them.
Your mistake may be something that you e realize, but your partner is not aware of. It would be easy to just let it go, but honesty invites you to share with your partner. With this sharing, you are not only being transparent; you are revealing part of your own internal world. This kind of self-disclosure can build intimacy between you.
The mistake can also be something that your partner realizes and confronts you with. Now, it’s no fun to be told that you have made a mistake, especially if the mistake is something that upsets your partner. When that happens, it is easy to become defensive and react. But your defensive reaction doesn’t change the fact that you made a mistake. Even if your partner responds to being upset with a criticism instead of a complaint, the honest thing to do is find the complaint within your partner’s criticism, acknowledge it and apologize for it.
Remember, conflict is a normal and natural part of a relationship. People who are what Gottman calls “relationship masters” are able to do what they can to stay connected emotionally to their partner, even in the presence of conflict.
Be truthful about your feelings; don’t keep them bottled up inside.
Honesty is about more than just thoughts or ideas; it is about feelings as well. So if you are upset or angry or confused, share that with your partner. Sharing deeply personal feelings makes you feel vulnerable, and that vulnerability can lead you to hold your feelings inside. After all, sharing feelings carries with it the possibility of conflict. But this sharing can also lead to emotional self-disclosure that enhances intimacy between you.
The etymology of the word “honesty” is related to ideas like splendor, elegance, and good manners. In fact, in English, the word originally had more to do with honor than just relating the facts or telling the truth. Staying honest with your partner reflects that you are a person of honor. It says that more than anything, you want to be there for and with your partner.
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