When you are struggling with problems like anxiety, depression, relationship conflict, or stress in some area of your life, it is easy to conclude that the one thing all these problems have in common is you. You have a problem and things are not going to be different until you solve it. Or you are the problem, and things will not be different until you change yourself in some basic way.
Many years ago, one of my counseling mentors shared an idea that I find very meaningful; it is an idea I often share with clients.
You do not have anxiety, depression, conflict, or stress because you are good or bad, or because you are right or wrong. You have these things in your life because you have a pulse. All of these things are not problems or flaws; they are part of what it means to be human and alive.
The second core component of self-compassion that Kristen Neff mentions in her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is recognition of the common human experience. Look at the very word “compassion.” It comes from two words that literally mean “to suffer with.” The first thing that happens in the process of feeling compassion toward another person is to sense their pain and struggle. But it doesn’t stop there. Your compassion comes to life and deepens because you feel the connection between their pain and struggle and your own. Some part of you knows what it is like to hurt the way they are hurting.
You could say the unfolding of self-compassion works in the opposite direction. You feel your own pain and struggle. But you don’t stop there. Instead, your self-compassion comes to life and deepens as you feel the connection between your pain and struggle and what people around you and all over the world are experiencing. What do you often say to someone you are trying to comfort when they have made a mistake? “It’s okay. You are only human.” Self-compassion is finding ways to speak those same words of comfort to yourself.
Unfortunately, it is common for people, especially people who struggle with depression, to frame their imperfections in their own inadequacy, not in shared human experience. In her book Radical Acceptance, Tara Branch writes: “Feeling unworthy goes hand in hand with feeling separate from others, separate from life. If we are defective how can we possibly belong.”
Feeling compassion for others and yourself comes from the basic human need to belong and to be connected.
And yet, so much of life is comparing ourselves to others. Sit with these questions for a moment: How am I doing at work? How am I doing at school? How am I doing in this relationship? If you are like most people, very quickly, you start to answer the questions by comparing. How am I doing at work, compared to my coworkers? How am I doing at school, compared to my classmates? How am I doing in this relationship, compared to what society says about a good relationship?
Here, then, is one of the great ironies of life. You want to do well in your life so you can feel like you are worthy, and you belong. But to do well you have to compete with others for success which can leave you feeling disconnected and isolated. You may come out “better” or “worse” in this competition, but still, you can feel disconnected and isolated.
There are lots of ways to experience this common humanity that is part of self-compassion.
For example, you can pick an area of your life that you really want to change. It could be your eating habits or procrastinating. You may wish you were more assertive; you may not like the way you lose your temper. Bring this behavior to mind, and think about how you typically react to yourself when you do this behavior. It might help to write down the actual words that you say to yourself.
Next, imagine you are sitting with a friend who is trying to change this same area of his/her life. Imagine saying the words you say to yourself to your friend. What do you think and feel when you picture yourself speaking those words? Just sit with those thoughts and feelings for a moment.
Finally, can you picture ways that you and your friend can talk about struggling together with this behavior? What can you do for each other? How can you be there for one another?
The truth is we are all together in this adventure of living. And part of the adventure is making mistakes. Self-compassion keeps you from moving into isolation when you become aware of those mistakes. The mistakes don’t mean you are right or wrong. They mean you have a pulse. They mean you are human.
If you want to know more about how to develop a different relationship with your depression, you can visit my depression treatment specialty page.