If you are struggling with depression, you might consider that question to be nonsensical.
If I have depression, then, no, my life is not normal. However, if the depression is there most of the time, then maybe this is normal. I have all of these things that I want to do with my life, but I have this depression. If I could solve this problem of depression, then I could get on with my life.
Can I live a normal life with depression? Did you notice that there is a lot of evaluation and judgment implied in that question? The depression gets you to look at your life and decide that something is wrong. Something is wrong with your life. Something is wrong with you.
The relationship that meant so much to you ended, and the depressive thoughts tell you it is because of something you did…or even worse, something you are. You can’t seem to advance in the job you want, and the depressive thoughts tell you it is because you don’t have what it takes. You want to take up that new hobby in which you have interest, but your depressive thoughts tell you that, most likely, you really won’t be that good at it.
All of these things that would give you a normal life…you could have them if you get rid of the depression. And there is no chance you will have those things until you get rid of your depression.
And so, all of your energy goes to dealing with these depressive thoughts and feelings. They show up, and you try to avoid them and push them away. They show up, and you try to figure out where they are coming from, so you can deal with their source. They show up, and you decide that this is just who you are, so you just put your life on autopilot and do the best you can.
Perhaps what you need is not a better tool to solve the depression; instead, you need to develop a different relationship with your depression.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a different perspective on your depression. In their book, The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to Move Through Depression and Create a Life Worth Living, Kirk D. Strosahl and Patricia J. Robinson, state that in ACT “we view depression not as a problem to be solved but as an important signal that something isn’t working quite right, that your life is out of balance in some important way. We want to use the information contained in your depression to help you create a new plan that doesn’t involve suppressing how you feel or avoiding life situations that can determine your overall quality of life. In ACT, we believe that controlling your emotions, avoiding the situations that produce them, is the problem, not the solution.”
Look again at the situations described above. The relationship that ended is one that means a lot to you. The job you struggle with is one that you want. The hobby that you want to learn is one that you would really enjoy. All of the emotional reactions you have to these situations do not come from some flaw or problem in you. You have these emotional reactions because these things matter to you. So depression is not a problem to solve; it is inviting you to give your attention to something that really matters to you.
What are some ways you can begin to develop this different relationship with your depression?
You can begin by being aware, being mindful and present, when the depression shows up.
Instead of saying, “I am depressed,” you can say, “Ok, the depression is here.” You can wonder about the thoughts and feelings it is sharing with you. How is it getting you to look at a situation? How is it inviting you to think about yourself? If you decided to go along with those thoughts and feelings, will that take you in the direction you want your life to go.
You can give up trying to control all of these thoughts and feelings.
Along with being mindful and present to them, you can actually accept them. Please understand that acceptance is not giving up and giving in to the thoughts and feelings. Instead, it is simply letting them be there, without getting caught up in them or without trying to avoid them. Remember they are not good or bad. They are not part of the problem of the depression. After all, it is what is happening right now, so why not be present with them? And you know that fighting them or getting caught up with them hasn’t worked in the past, so why not try something different?
You can go ahead and do something that gives you meaning or pleasure.
Remember the statement I made earlier: I have all of these things that I want to do with my life, but I have this depression. See you notice the difference in the tone and feel when I change one word. I have all of these that I want to do with my life, AND I have this depression. Did you feel the difference? The word “but” sets these two thoughts in opposition to one another. In order to do what you want in life, you have to solve the depression. You have this depression, so you really can’t do what you want with your life.
With the “and” statement, both of those statements can be there. You can have the depression, and even with its presence in your life, you can go ahead and choose some actions that can take your life in the direction you want it to go.
ACT is one of the ways I work with people who struggle with depression. My depression treatment specialty page gives you more information about how therapy can help with your depression.