Some people say that relationships are often easy in the beginning. I don’t know if I would use the word “easy”, but there is an anticipation and passion that comes with the excitement and fun of a new relationship. This is an important part of a relationship; this anticipation and passion is the fuel a new relationship needs to power it forward.
And yet, while it doesn’t go away completely, this energy does subside over time. Communication is one of the factors that help you move beyond this beginning stage into a deeper level of your relationship.
Communication is an imperative part of every relationship. Communication maintains and closeness. Sometimes couples will come to me for counseling and say, “We want to be more intimate.” Often, just to get their attention, I will answer, “Well, I can’t help you do that.” Then I go on to explain that you can really work on intimacy, because it is a by-product.
Intimacy is a by-product of two people mutually self-disclosing at an emotional level, in a context of caring and safety.
When you do this kind of sharing, intimacy happens. So when we talk about enhancing communication, we are not just talking about sharing information. We are talking about ways to build the bonds of intimacy between you and your partner.
Here are some strategies that can enhance this kind of sharing.
1. Ask more questions
Asking questions about your partner is a powerful way to show you care. If you have been together for a while, it is easy to assume that you know the internal world of your partner. But your partner has daily and weekly interactions that shape that inner world, so ask to learn more.
Questions are one of the simplest ways to deeper your relationship. You can ask the question, be silent, and then just listen. Of course, this leads to a second strategy.
2. Learn how to improve your listening.
We listen for lots of different reasons. In many of our normal interactions, we listen for the purpose of responding. Just think about a recent conversation you had with a friend. They are sharing something with you. And soon, you are beginning to formulate a response to what they are saying. But guess what? They are still talking, but you aren’t really listening because you are already formulating your response.
The kind of listening that build intimacy is listening for the purpose of understanding. You want to know all that is going on inside your partner, so you give them the space to keep sharing. And then, you reflect back, in your own words, what you have heard. Not just the words, but the feelings that are part of the words. You don’t just listen to your partner’s words; you attune yourself to your partner’s inner world.
3. Communicate your needs.
In the early stages of a relationship, there is this felt sense of deep knowing. But neither of you know everything about the other. If there is something you need from the other, don’t wait for them to discover it. Share it with them. Remember it is about mutual self-disclosure.
4. Avoid assumptions.
This is related to communicating your needs. Because both of you know each other well, it is easy to assume that you know what they are thinking. It is easy to assume that they know what you are thinking.
But often our assumptions are not correct. No, they aren’t completely off base, but they probably don’t contain all the nuances and subtleties in the heart and mind of your partner. So, you end up responding to the picture you have of your partner, and not the person standing in front of you. Assumptions lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. If you’re not sure about something, ask.
5. Find ways to spend time together.
Communication is not just about sharing information and insight that the other person doesn’t know. It is also about sharing the opportunities you have for bonding together. Think of it this way. You go out and have this wonderful experience of doing something fun with your partner. But then, there is this other wonderful experience of reliving it and talking about it.
When I see couples in therapy, one of the things that I always look for is how they communicate with each other. It gives me a snapshot of how they are experiencing the relationship. You can use these strategies to enhance your interactions with your partner. If you want to learn more about how I work with couples in counseling, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.