Gridlock. What comes to mind when you hear that word? Most likely, you think of traffic. Gridlock is more than just the stop-and-go movement of a traffic jam. Gridlock happens when lines of vehicles block a network of intersecting streets. There is a complete shutdown. You can’t move forward. You can’t move backwards. The grid of intersections is blocked, and there is nowhere to go.
Gridlock can happen in your marriage, especially when you are in conflict.
In his book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman says that almost 70 percent of the conflicts in marriages are about unsolvable issues. What would make a conflict unsolvable? These perpetual conflicts involve more than differences of opinion about a particular issue. Instead, they are grounded in differences in things like personality, life experiences, family-of-origin dynamics, temperament, or deeply held values.
Look back over that list. You realize that none of those things are going to change. They are a part of who you are. So perpetual conflicts will keep coming up over and over in your relationship.
Take the issue of parenting, for example. One of you grew up in a very strict household; the discipline was very structured and direct. Your partner grew up in a more laissez-faire household; the discipline was laxer and unevenly applied. This is what you experienced, and you can’t change it. This is also one source of your own parenting style. So, conflicts about parenting choice most likely will be perpetual.
Another common perpetual conflict is money and finances. One of you may have grown up in a family that was not well off, and so, they were very frugal. Your partner’s family may have been more secure financially, and money was not a problem. Again, these experiences will impact the values you have around money, and they are not going to change. So, money can become a perpetual conflict.
When you don’t understand a conflict as perpetual, you will work and work to resolve it. When that doesn’t happen, you can end up in gridlock.
How do you know you have reached gridlock with your partner? Here are some common signs that gridlock is happening.
1. You can’t seem to make any headway when you are talking about the problem.
Think back to the traffic gridlock. You can’t move forward. You can’t move backwards. You are stuck. The same think happens in relationship gridlock. You are trying to make some progress and resolve the conflict. You know that you are making a good faith effort to find resolution, it is not going anywhere.
2. You become entrenched in your positions.
At some point, when you realize there is no resolution in sight, your good faith efforts subside, and you dig in. You can’t understand why your partner can’t see and accept your perspective; after all, remember, it is important to you. So you dig in and try even harder. Of course, your partner is doing the same thing.
3. Your conversations about the problem become unpleasant or hurtful.
Whenever the topic comes up, there is a ‘here we go again’ feeling. You expect negativity, and it happens. Eventually, you can become highly critical and accusatory of each other. You get caught up in an entrenched defensive reactive pattern, and conversation breaks down. Any chance of coming to some understanding and compromise can be lost.
4. You end up hurt and emotionally disengaged.
Because the problem is perpetual, it will keep coming up again and again. But because negative feelings arise when you bring the problem up, very quickly you feel hurt by your partner. You emotionally disconnect.
Perpetual problems are part of every relationship. If you were married to someone else, they may be different, but the perpetual problems would be there. In my next post, I will talk about the steps you can take to help you talk about these problems in a way that can even make you feel closer and more connected. If you want to know more about how I work with couples, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.