In her book, To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee says, “Never, never, never, on cross-examination ask the witness a question you don’t already know the answer to…Do it and you’ll often get an answer you don’t want, an answer that might wreck your case.” It’s an idea you hear on legal dramas all the time. There is probably some truth in the statement, although I have some attorney friends who say not always.
When it comes to relationships, one of the most meaningful things you can do is ask questions that you DON’T know the answer to. It is a way to express curiosity and wonder about this person you care about. Here are 3 ways to be a curious partner.
Be curious when you are connecting.
When you first met, there was an eagerness to get to know each other. You asked each other lots of questions that you didn’t know the answer to, and it was exciting to experience how those answers resonated with each of you and brought you closer. Now, you have been together for a long time, and it is easy to assume that you know almost everything you need to know about your partner.
You can learn to be a curious partner by looking at your partner with a beginner’s mind. A beginner’s mind is a mindfulness practice where you intentionally experience something familiar as if you are encountering it for the first time. When you experience something for the first time, there is a sense of novelty and excitement. But when it is something that happens over and over, it becomes a part of the rhythm and routine of your life.
What would it be like to experience your partner as if you are encountering them for the first time? Standing before you is this person full of mystery. Yes, you have been together a long time. There is a lot that you know about them. But there may be lots of things that you don’t know about them right now. Both of you have changed and grown over the years. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to create a space where your partner can share the changes and growth with you?
Be curious when you are conversing.
I often tell couples that intimacy is a byproduct of two people self-disclosing at an emotional level in a context of caring and safety. This emotional self-disclosing doesn’t always have to be in the context of deep conversations. Simple, everyday encounters can be a chance to adopt a curious, welcoming stance with your partner.
It can be as simple as the way you speak to one another when you are home in the evening after a day of work. One couple I was working with talked about this routine. He would walk in the door. His wife was already home. He would say, “Hey, dear, how was your day?” as he walked into the bedroom to change clothes. She would say, “Good.” She would continue what she was doing. He would change clothes and get busy with some tasks.
But both of them decided to adopt this curious, welcoming stance with each other. When he walked in from work, he went into the room where she was and asked several questions about what she had experienced that day. It was only a 5-10 minute conversation, but both of them felt closer because of this open, curious stance.
You can also initiate conversation from a place of curiosity. Pick a topic of interest to both of you. Discuss an article from the newspaper or a magazine. Welcome the difference of perspectives that each of you have.
Be curious when you are in conflict.
In the middle of a conflict, it is easy to give your own meaning and interpretation to your partner’s behavior and intentions. Then, we respond to that meaning and interpretation, not the person standing in front of us. Instead of assigning meaning, what would it be like to be curious about your partner’s behavior or intention? When you realize that the interaction is becoming conflictual, wonder out loud with your partner, “I don’t like how this is going. I wonder if we could stop and figure out what to do differently.”
The word “curious” comes from the Latin word curiosus. Some of the meanings of this word are careful, diligent, or inquiring eagerly. It is also related to the word cura, which means to care. When you are a curious partner, you are diligent, even eager to know the world of this one you care for. When you are a curious partner, you are showing a deep level of care.
Please visit my marriage counseling specialty page to learn more about how I work with couples.